I was about to quit and then...

You know this business is hard. The actual acting is not hard, it's the busy business-the picking the right headshot, the targeting casting directors, the agents, the mailings, the driving to auditions 3 hours away, the finding a monologue, the begging, the pleading, the saying your sorry to your family because you can't come to their birthday party because you have an audition-it's ALOT of work dammit! Yesterday I was tired of it all. I felt bogged down by any activity stated above. There was no email in my inbox that said "Cristyn come to our agency-we'd love to have you". I couldn't even get an email response from a class I wanted to take. I mean I'm tired of it.
And then..early this morning came a theater call back email. "Cristyn we loved you. You were great. Please come to our call back on Monday". Is it sad to say I feel better after reading that? Am I SO self-involved it takes a production assistant to say he loves me for me to be happy? Isn't giving to the poor and searching for Mother's Day presents and doing secret birthday surprises for family enough? Why is it just different when my sister says "You are great, sis" than when a production assistant says "We loved your energy!" Why is one answer better than the other?

Acting is a very selfish career-ask any actor. Everything we do, is to make us look better, better hair, work out more, eat less, whine, complain, be self loathing...it's pathetic. I guess if you take a look around at the actors in the world, really take a look at them and their life they had before acting, you'd see why they got in the business. Something was missing. And the only way they could get that 'something' back was to be up on stage or in front of a camera- to be told "you were great". So you can't fault us for being selfish, we are just trying to get back what is missing.

Those people in the world who give unselfishly-I know who you are. I see you all the time. You aren't missing a piece in you, you are complete, giving, loving and beautiful.

David Duchovny, '-Why Won't You Love Me?'

To understand this blog, I would read the story below first ("Secret").
It pains me to write this. It means that I didn't get the job and I'm writing you to tell you what happened. Ahhh the journey! Driving back from a horrible audition on Monday in Los Angeles, I turned to my sister and said "I need to take a break from LA. I am just coming up here too much. It's wearing me out." Then I get an audition notice for Californication. Not for an extra. Not for the secretary or the saleslady or girl on bike or women #2. For a costar role with David Duchoveny. I was amazed. And worried. And quiet. I didn't tell anyone (See blog below for explanation!). I just sat there and looked at the audition notice waiting for a voice to say, "it's just a joke"! Well, that voice didn't come but others did-such as "you are not a SAG actor", "Why would they hire a no-name to be with David Duchovny", "you don't even have an LA agent-they will not hire you". I didn't want to go. I got the sides and they seemed simple enough. But I started getting upset, crying, mad...all this emotion. I needed help!
I emailed my acting coach and asked for an emergency private session. Told him the situation and he said, 'sure- come on by'. I adore this man. We are on the same page when it comes to fate, and the energy of the universe and where you are at this time is where you are supposed to be. I knew he would set me straight. I was so annoyed by this audition. It was interrupting my life and I knew it was just a waste of time. He said "it is a test of whether you are brave enough to conquer this task. Enjoy the rush of the audition because that is your job. To get the audition." I am paraphrasing his words of wisdom-he said it much better than this!

The audition.
By now my sister is hyperventilating at the fact I was 'this close' to David Duchovny and my dream of being on television. I'll just tell you right now, he wasn't there. The day before, I tried to visualize the casting director as being this nice person that treated me kind. She was. She was very kind. I walked in and she was sitting on the couch and I confidently said, "Oh. There actually IS a casting couch." and she said "ha ha". Then we talked a minute about the scene and I did it and they laughed and said "you're a good actress"! Got in my car and obsessed the whole way home. The goal is to leave the audition and never think about it again. Here I am blogging about it. But it was 10 times worse in the car. What if I DID get cast? NO-there is no way. Maybe? I'm not SAG. I'm not thin enough. I'm a no-name. I rushed it. I didn't use emotion. Stop thinking about it! I needed to distract myself during my 2 hour hike back home. I needed to talk to someone. If I call my sister, I'll blurt it out-I can't keep anything from her. I need to talk to a non actor, someone who doesn't care about me or my stories at all. I decided to call my pharmacy to check on my prescription. That helped for about 5 minutes.

Today I am back at work and back to my normal life. This is where I'm obviously supposed to be right now. Something big like a TV show just isn't in the cards for me at this time. I have to trust that where I am is ok. It's the journey and the journey took me back and forth to LA 3 times. It got me to spend quality time w/my sister, a quick lesson in auditions, and it got me in front of a pretty big casting director. That's something. That's exciting. That's my life-as an actress.

ps-the lyrics to the song: http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/x-filesepisodes2/davidduchovny.htm

Secret

I totally believe in superstition. Never talk about the audition until you know you got it, or didn't. But to talk about it before hand, will just jinx you. But I'm about to blow! This audition I have tomorrow is big but unfortunately the odds are stacked against me. The audition calls for SAG actors-not SAG. The audition is for a show w/a big name attached-Never worked w/big names. So that leaves my winning personality. Will that win? I keep saying, I'm giving LA one more shot and that's it. Then it magically gives ME another shot. Stop toying w/me Hollywood. Either you want me or you don't. I'll go to your big name audition tomorrow but after that, that's it! I can't keep taking days off for you. Either take me back or break up with me dammit!!

ps-I love you.